Date: 2007-02-20 17:01 Subject: On love and sadness. Security: Public

I took a trip to Philadelphia for the first time in 2 years - as a vacation. The end result? Debaucherous, dramatic, intense, emotional and absolutely un-repeatable. As usual, I found myself in a whirlwhind of never-ending questions. I am now more confused than I ever have been.

I have stared my love in the face and heard the same sound of our harsh end - again.

Date: 2007-02-09 18:48 Subject: Who wants a piece of some KARMA cake?! Security: Public

Oh. My. God.

Talk about some major effin' full circle. Wow. Totally blind sided. Sometimes you get a gut feeling to give someone a shot, hear them out - and you're glad you did.

Kat and I hadn't been on speaking terms in...well, since I got here to NY really. Always at odds, and there was something weird about her girlfriend: Caroline. 1) Caroline put me in a really awkward position when she came to me about how their relationship was working out thus far. Mainly what irked me and made me uncomfortable was that she told me ALOT of shit that honestly - you don't tell someone you're not close to unless you're BEGGING for help of some kind.

So that put me in an awkward spot for awhile. Then there was this whole "Kat's cheating on Caroline." thing going on - which I tried to ignore. My main focus was to talk to one of them casually and find out if everything was okay and folks weren't really warring shit out at home in a harmful way. Alas, it didn't get that far. It turned into a huge blowout between them, and they broke up. According to Kat, it had been coming for months - since March..as in LAST March. So Kat and I patched things up - and now the world has gone topsy turvy with change. Kat's also dating T, who is a Staunton lesbian icon, and through rumor apparently never liked me. Ali has this remarkable tendency to tell two people that they don't like each other, and most times neither party bothers to look into the reality of it.

Kat's dating T now, and we're all going to see Regina Spektor at Purchase College on the 28th of March. Very nice. Apparently T has NO issue with me, and is looking forward to going with us. I'm happy that some things DO change - because after this, there's really no reason for her to ever have an issue with me. Per Kat, she seemed surprised that I thought she'd have an issue with me - why you ask? Because she was told I hated her.

I love finding shit like this out, and really revelling in the fact that as things slowly build - I'm very much at the top of the world. To top all of this information off with a bundle of emotional cherries: Ali's failing out of school, and going bat shit crazy once again this season. Like clock work around February, she goes nuts and makes a series of absolutely horrible decisions that wind up totally fucking up her life. This year's really no different. It's sad when after every New Year, not even a few months into it you're screwing everything up. I have serious pity for the girl - because there are so many times (like today) that I WOULD LOVE to just call her up and say "Hey! Welcome to the fucking real world, you're 21 fucking years old and everyone else is supporting themselves and working their asses off. You're no exception, so get it the fuck together so that you don't regret not taking care of the most important thing in your life: your future, for the rest of your life."

It's ridiculous. And here comes the phone calls - give it a little longer, and my usual yearly moral dillema will come rearing it's very, very aesthetically dissapointing head.

At least this time around I won't be the one everyone's shaking their head at - so long as I always take the higher road. It gets hard to turn people down when they seek out help so when she does come around it will certainly be a pickle to decide the best way to handle it.

Date: 2007-02-06 19:40 Subject: Crazy days and nights Security: Public Location: East New York Music: Shawn Colvin - So Good To See You

It's absolutely freezing outside here in New York, and tonight has me thinking. On the train of course there was a guy who was preaching (or I should say screaching...scream preaching, really) about how the evils of life will send us to hell and how our ignorance basically seals our eternity in hell. Honestly, I believe sometimes that hell is not only what you make it - but it can be right here on earth, while you're living. I've been in my own personal hell, still am really. But lets get a few things straight here: I adore my job, and it seemingly is mutual. I'm good at what I do and the people I work with make everyday lovely - literally. There are few bad days, I think I might have had 4 or 5 in my entire time working at Peak.

But I'm really in love with New York and my job. However, emotionally as I said: I'm still very deeply seated in my own private hell. I don't trust people (girls, mostly) and even though I have a desire to date, no one feels right. Ever. And I came to an interesting theory about that.

I think that deep down, there's a part of me that stays attached (well, the biggest part really) to Ali NOT because I'm still in love with her (although I think I am at times..) but I use her subconsciously as an excuse to keep me from getting hurt by someone new. When I think about what I'd do, or how I'd feel when I see her again (which is inevitable, unfortunately) that the first feeling I can think of is total and complete paralytic fear and anxiety. I think I would run away and shake for a good long while. She essentially represents everything that I trusted, broken and false. I don't think I could ever trust her word. But, there is SOMETHING there still. I do think about her frequently, almost daily. I miss being able to tell her the great things I see and experience everyday. I miss being able to have a whole conversation without really even talking much at all.

There's this Shawn Colvin song I listen to when I want to put things into particular perspective called "Matter of Minutes". The song is about a failed relationship, and part of the lyrics go: "I could count the good times we had on one hand, all the rest was a sort of means to an end." When I think about that line and how things were - it's completely the opposite. There really were more good times than bad. Sure, we fought. But I always believed that she was the one for me - because we always apologized and meant it. There was so much good there - that it doesn't surprise me that she kept contacting my mother even almost a year after we broke up. What surprises me is that she still maintains her distance when I know her well enough to know that it must have taken some serious strength to get this far.

Now we'll see how long it takes for her facade of strength cracks. And then we'll have some real reckoning.

Date: 2007-02-02 23:09 Subject: Lately Security: Public

I've been wholly consumed by the past. It seems like each day it gets heavier and harder.

Date: 2007-01-29 20:51 Subject: Lord, I hope this day is good Security: Public

Normally while I don't fully condone country, I feel like a total traitor when I can't really *appreciate* good country and not be able to tell other folks about it - absolutely gushing. Historically speaking, I come from incredibly blue-grass roots being born in Louisiana which is French/Creole and Bluegrass because it originates in the south and has Scotch-Irish sounds at the base of every traditional ballad/song. It's almost eerie how similiar an Appalachian Bluegrass traditional song will sound alike to one from the bayou. I listen to a band called BeauSoleil to get a good Creole/Cajun (as I used to know it) fix. Brings me right back to the swamps.

So be that as it may, I re-visitted my playlist inventory these past few days (Weekend I should say) and with a vitally growing 9600 songs (god, I know.) I am growing the ultimate DJ collection. Every time someone peruses my collection they FREAK out because there's literally about half a year straight worth of listening to the greatest music of our generation(s).

I know, I'm proud of my baby. I've dedicated much effort and time into it's formulation. I'm GREATLY missing the Eastern Shore right about now. There was NO better place than there to get drunk and really SEE the real parts of you. I'm not talking about getting drunk and violent - I'm talking about having a few drinks and finding yourself really opening up to whoever was there. It's a really intense place. Many a foundation of memories have been had there. And I really woul like to honestly take (pathetically as it may sound..) my very first earned vacation from work there. Just take a week off of work and hang out at home, drive the car (arrange for insurance beforehand or rent..) and totally DIVE into the Eastern Shore. Jeep it, Oldsmobile it, whatever - just tour that fine countryside, eat myself blue, drink myself merry and have the beautiful sunset pictures from the Whitehaven (Or Atlantic Hotel - Berlin, MD) at the end of Whitehaven to prove just now nice and how FAST a few hours can REALLY be.

I know, I sound smitten with something. Not sure what it is. I think tonight's just a very good, it's okay to be me kind of night. I'm still...nostalgic and rather melancholy. It's been a year of this mess, really. I hate to say it but I still unfortunately miss the one person I was myself with for so long..those 3 years felt like decades. Truth be told.

I'm still coming out of a coma I think. Hopefully people will continue to be a little more patient with me, while I lose addresses, fail to keep in touch and whine about how sub-par of a friend and family member I am. Keep hope alive, friends, I think I need it - the guilt is strong on this one.

Date: 2007-01-28 12:39 Subject: A collective of unravelling Security: Public

These days have all been long and fast at the same time. I suppose what I mean is that I'm working incredibly hard and perpetually exhausted. It feels good to be independant like this, I would never deny that. But, so much change has been hurled my way since moving to New York that now when I have a chance to sit down and think about it, it really boggles my mind. I've lost and gained probably the same amount of friends. And I think what bothers me most is that the ones I lost I had known for so long. Now the new ones are here and I feel as though I have to know them for years to ever feel as good again as I used to.

Sometimes (especially lately) I still remember Virginia. I've tried to live there four times, and it never worked out. It's so beautiful there, but there's something in the air or the water or both that just drives the crazy out of me into the laps of everyone around me. The last and most recent attempt at living there saw me dating (if you could call it that) two girls. One living in a townhouse I shared with her (they were good times at the beginning) and the other living in a shabby apartment in downtown Staunton. A place that I ultimately indulged in a rampant coke binge and struggled in vain to get over my ex-girlfriend by fucking hers on a daily basis. What happens in my mind and ultimately comes to fruition can be a scary thing entirely.

But when my brain goes back to Virginia there is so much to remember. I loved it there for so many reasons. Mainly because I really fell in love there. It saved me. I went there straight after getting out of the military, freshly bruised ego and a heartbreak so new (9/11, body recovery with my unit) I had nightmares every night and knew no one. I fastly made friends and it was a beautiful fall. I found Carrie, had a whirlwhind romance and breakup with her - then met Ali. She was the last person in this world I would have ever thought to miss this much. So far it's been 11 1/2 months since we last saw each other. The longest yet we've not had contact. February 14th will be our one year seperation anniversary.

I still remember her smell and the way her face looked in the sunlight sitting next to me as we drove across the country. I can still remember what it felt like to fall apart in her arms and feel so safe and loved. I remember our talks of having kids, and what we'd do when they come home with a bad report card. Or when they got caught shoplifting, or sneaking out. I remember the way she felt when we laid in different beds over the course of 4 years, but most always together. I remember her eyes when she was really happy with me, and the way she seemed to not feel close enough to me. I remember feeling smothered by such love, and always having a doubt in the back of my mind to such a big love like that.

Now when I reach out for someone in this basement apartment, the only thing that's here is the alcohol in my freezer. And no soft skin to sleep with.

I'm good for you, just wait and see.

Date: 2007-01-21 20:23 Subject: a better time for: comfort Security: Public

Last Friday I was so drunk I couldn't see straight. I still haven't sent that letter for Laura. I'm just plainly put not in a state where I can successfully keep in touch with those that I need to right now. What's a girl to do when everything is frightening to deal with?

My company is absolutely taking off like whoa. My busy schedule is every waking moment from Monday through Friday. I still adore my job, but jesus. It's breaking me down daily, in a quotable reference. I think sometimes my life gets so complicated that I leave out important parts of growing up because I really think I can get by without it. I think I'm just a foolish kid who skates by occasionally. Who picks fights and everyone ultimately always walks away from because I'm: just plain not worth it.

So that's why I went out and bought a good winter coat. Because you never know how long you'll be out in the cold.

Date: 2007-01-21 16:57 Subject: How and what I miss. Security: Public

I made a lover's prayer. Just a little more love, and we'd be fine.

I want so badly to go back to the Eastern Shore right now. I never knew how quickly and intimately I'd grow to one place that wasn't even a part of my life for the longest. If anything, it was the shortest trip through my memory ever. It's a place I only spent about a year or so at and even so it has claimed the largest part of my recollection.

I've been reading "Murder On Maryland's Eastern Shore" by Joseph E. Moore and it is absolutely astounding. I am gripped by it, but have to force myself to read it at the appropriate times. I miss my mom, and my dad ironically. I want very much to spend a good 4 days at home nad just drive around the streets that have come to know me so well in such short time. I liked it there, the way the light hit my eyes - the way the world looked in such a short period of time with such isolated distractions.

I loved and love it still there. I think my first week vacation will be spent there, to fully enjoy the land that I learned to love there with my rubber wheels and gas fed engine to guide me to heaven on earth.

To understand, I suppose you'd have to have been there with us. I still miss the warm touch of skin to mine the way it was always there for so long. Now it seems I have to start all over again from scratch. I don't quite know how to achieve an interested female party.

I wish to learn how to love again and have me a counterpart who knows everything I am, and loves every part of it. I need support in this time of trial and fire. My life is shooting above and beyond corporate limites and I need to find someone who can listen to me outpour my fear of being subpar.

I am crossing my fingers everyday. I am missing the love I was so used to. So things go and change.

Date: 2007-01-13 12:31 Subject: A difference in opinion. Security: Public

Lately I've been feeling sort of nostalgic. I can remember most things in my life but due to my abundance of substance abuse over the years I can honestly say that I should remember so much more. Conversations and facial expressions are always the hardest for me to recall unless it burns in my memory as something extremely profound.

The subway has been and still is an everyday adventure, total hilarity in the rush hour periods. No one's driving, but people can still push you out of the way and try to cram WAY too many people into one car - simply because everyone wants to get somewhere at the same time. It always astounds me when I get pushed into a corner and there's actually room there. I could say it's times like them that make me feel truly invisible.

The current state of affairs is ever-changing and constantly exciting. Although, they've forged a rather deep divide into my decision making process. I've come to learn that sometimes there are no easy choices, and sometimes not even really any. Those are the hardest times I think. Lately, there have been two females on my mind. Well, 3 if you really want to be accurate. Writing this all down even makes me feel ungenuine, as I'm sure a reader somewhere will ask themselves "Why is she complaining? Who honestly gets torn up about having 3 people actively run through your mind in the attraction department?" I'd agree, but since moving to New York I've discovered that this is predominantly how people behave: in threes. There are so many different sides to a person's personality that it's almost normal for people to act impulsively as time goes by.


I'm thinking I may have unwittingly broken up (or started to) a 10 year lesbian relationship. Anne is the woman I would like to see. She's 28, UK criminal lawyer - met her on a whim by commenting on her plaid coat. Then, two debaucherous nights later we're holding hands in a cab headed downtown. Mind you, I had met her girlfriend earlier, who abruptly left us alone together by claiming she "just" wanted to go home. Anne and I went off into the wild blue of bright lights big city and followed the evening up with more alcohol than neccasary. I was attracted to her on sight when I met her. Who's to say when we'll see each other again, and what will happen next.

Then there's the girl. Significantly younger than myself, to be unnamed for precaution's sake. Livejournal tends to be a stalkfest. She's in the back of my mind on a daily basis, and yet seemingly dodging my every advance. I like to pounce on what I want, and I'd like to think in 25 years I've come along in my observations and handling of people in general. I can usually spot the signs early, it's whether I act on that knowledge that usually becomes the turning point.

I would like to see her again, too. Although, pushing an envelope close to the flame can mean destruction of the message held inside it's paper walls.

Then there's the ex. Ali. I've been thinking of what my reaction would be to seeing her again. I think we would be very, very angry with each other. There's still that passion between us, I can tell. But I think she knows better than to even remotely approach me in any fashion right now. There needs to be either significantly more time between us to pass, or the right time to be achieved for proper conveyence of our feelings. I do still miss her sometimes. And occasionally I'll sit and read her dozen letters to me that I've kept over the years. I was re-reading one recently and found that the longest before now that we had ever been apart was 10 months. Next month it will be our one year anniversary of being apart - on Valentine's Day. How strange? I think that will be a major revelatory time, as it's her least favorite holiday and her mentality usually drastically changes at around that time of year. Cyclical behavior tends to get easy to follow after a few years of being directly immersed in it.

These three have potential to be significant in my life. Maybe even all three at the same time. I can say I'm wary of them all, because I like my life here in the city; and the last thing I need is to lose my mind again because some girl from my past says she means it this time around.

Love is a hard thing to lie about, but those that find it easy don't really know the definition.

Date: 2007-01-10 23:10 Subject: On bad friending and being a bad friend. Security: Public

I have the distinct suspicion that I just might be a very bad friend. Not very bad in a 90210 sense, but more or less that I over-disclose information that's going through my head at warped speed that it sometimes really overwhelms the other person. I think people may be right, in unisom - I just might be too intense for my own good. Even the subway rides home are too much for me to handle these days. It's like buying coffee on the corner is a task in and of itself. I hear so many conversations and so many non-verbal reactions and observations that occasionally I really do want to curl up into a ball in Penn Station and sleep like the hobos.

That's right, I said it: hobos.

Date: 2007-01-10 23:06 Subject: Smitten. Security: Public

I am so totally overwhelmed with the lack of control I have over my own disclosure that it's ridiculous.

Phones are evil devices sometimes. Sigh. Vulnerability is such a harsh anti-drug.

Date: 2007-01-10 07:41 Subject: Finding out you might need a tonsil removed. Security: Public

I go into the bathroom this morning and realize I have a scratchy throat. Since I never actually LOOK at what bothers me anymore, I figured I might give it a shot today. I took a light to my throat and did not like what I saw. I've had tonsilitis before, mind you - but this time looks the worst. My right tonsil is COVERED in white, which usually to me means strep. If that's the case, then I have to hike my ass to the doctor no later than say...Monday? I don't even have my health insurance stuff officiated yet. I've signed up for it and the whole nine - but I don't think it becomes active until February. Which, sucks.

In other news I spoke to the object of my recent affection yesterday a few times. Was nice, and she's still toying with me a little which I can say I enjoy. If there's one thing I've been looking for is someone who can be alluring without being obnoxious about it. I mean teasing can be fun, yes - but overdoing it makes me want to die inside. I don't mind working for affection mildly, but walking through fire and brimstone? Not so much. I've learned a few things since my ex(es).

But yes, hopefully today at work will be less stressful than the day before. Phil's pretty pissed off in general. I think he's watching me like a hawk. It was 5:15pm yesterday (which is usually my cue to stop hiding behind boxes and actually talk to people) and he was eyeballing me like I wasn't doing my job. It was quarter after close of BUSINESS for God's sake. No one cares who you talk to once the office officially closes. Apparently my boss does. This feels like another one of those places where I have to "earn" my cool badge. Which sucks, because I'm not a sell out kiss ass like that.

Oh yeah, and K and C took me off their myspace - I'm so hurt. Usually when psychos take the liberty of removing me first, I'm relieved. This case is no exception. ;)

I need to stop thinking about my weekend of sex all day. Really.

Date: 2007-01-09 21:16 Subject: The fundamental atlas of "fucked": Security: Public

Feeling rather sabotaged lately. What a respectively ironic existence I'm playing out. You know, I believe in Karma. With a capital K, of course. But in a different way: I believe that karmatically the most you sell out yourself will be the outcome and reciept of what you give. I don't believe in the concept that doing something "bad" will constitute something bad in return for you 2-10 fold. How can any one person judge what another person is worth or deserves? So in lies the question and answer.

I feel like what I'm writing is a little deep to fathom, or could just be over-intellectual babbling of the first degree. Whatever the case, I'm fine with it.

Feels good to write again with an unbiased audience of god knows what. Instead of worrying what anonymous comment I'll have to track that's written with the blood of vehemence, I can freely post what I like without a care in the world. There's only one logical thought that is allowed entry in my mind during this digression: how long will it last? It's only a matter of time before some "indifferent third party" wanders onto my meager and limited space on the web to stalk a reality show of their own creation.

This is what keeps me going, ironically. Lately irony has become a theme with me, I think. Knowing all of the possibilities of consequences and a combination thereof - I've willingly walked myself into hornet's nests more often than not. Statistically and subconsciously: I like trouble.

How long will it take me to acclimate to that sort of selfish and wholly chaotic existence?

Date: 2007-01-09 19:44 Subject: She had witchcraft in her smile. Security: Public

Still thinking about the weekend. Smiling far too much, and remembering that I had COMPLETELY forogtten what it feels like to really, really like someone. It's positively and wholly intellectually degenerative. And, it makes a person look like a pathetic freak to any outsider.

Even so, I'm still very much in like. Like. I say it so obviously on purpose. But, truth be told, what's a lesbian who waits a week to say I love you? Straight. Ooh, bust.

So true though. But for me personally, I can say I don't mind the notion of the same said person walking away from me at any given moment. Makes it that much more difficult to not be a raving lunatic while engaged in relationship endeavors. So no, I wouldn't call it love. I would call it the comfort of finally being able to be intense as SHIT and remind myself legitimately that that intensity will one day be loved just as much back. So if it's not a path full of daisies for the other person - I may as well keep looking.

I think what bothers me most is looking like a total fool to a girl 8 years my junior. Ick, I know. I feel like a fucking kid toucher already. Not to mention that but my ex LEFT me for someone 10 years her senior. Like, what? Am I really trying to be THAT close to sheer mimicness? I'd really like to think that me liking this girl is totally original and not because some sick part of me just wants to do the same thing my ex is doing to prove some kind of childish nonsensical point. I hope not, god that would suck.

At any rate - cue the absolutely sickening phonecalls and big ear to ear smiles like I'm fresh out of a Norman Rockwell piece. Jesus. And living in NY, AND losing my job, AND burning bridges like it's my job.

My british woman emailed me, finally. She wants drinks this week. I actually unintentionally ignored her last email - come to find out that a UK Criminal Lawyer who's had a partner for 10 years is awfully brazen about seeking the warmth of my company. GO FIGURE.

The weekends just keep getting more and more interesting.

Date: 2007-01-08 16:31 Subject: Change as an acronym. Security: Public

It's been one hell of a year so far.

I'm still working and living (and everything else, really) in New York and new chapters of my life are written weekly. Already in a 4 month block of time I've seen and stopped seeing a few women, gone to plenty of bars to suffice my liver's ailing downward spiral for years, visited Pennsylvania 4 times, watching my exes go entirely psychotic, my name still being household trash talk afer all these years, realizing some of my longest time friends have actually been my worst and most recently learned how to thoroughly enjoy AND miss someone else's company. The New Year was surprisingly uneventful in comparison to the above. I drank, was naked for a short period of time and thankfully slept with no one. Sometimes, just when I think I may have completely fallen off the deep end; I confirm my worst fears.

This new person isn't so new. The current term of our knowledge of each other is 4 years. We met when she was 13. Surprising right? Sure, considering my last girlfriend left me for a man 10 years her senior. Now I'm inadvertantly jumping the bandwagon of sinfest. Catholic guilt, whatever you want to call it (which was slung at me by the party in question, although in jest.) it bothers me. How is it that after 4 years of monogamously being with one person who in fact never really stayed with me longer than 8 months at a time, I find the one person who watched it all happen from start to finish? Is there some sick, twisted comfort in that?

All I know is the option to sleep with her was available when she was 13, I said absolutely not. Threw out the memory, worked tirelessly on my latest relationship and then wound up here anyway. How ironic and deeply strange is that? But the truth of the matter is, for months now I've been miserable everywhere I went. If I was home, I was alone and in a state that really only allowed me to drink, smoke and or both. Insert a careful mix of driving an automobile around the darkest and sketchiest part of the Eastern Shore and you have my life in a nutshell over the past two years.

There was a 3 month binge of overall debaucherous behavior in Staunton, VA when I lived there during the summer. I had my hedonistic vacation there and chose to leave when I could no longer feel the gums of my teeth anymore due to my white powder routine.

Now I'm in NY, with my head spinning over a girl who I've known as long as my longest relationship - but who still hasn't turned 18. There is something undeniably wrong with me at this point.

The other point, is that I'm caught in a middle school crush zone and trying desperately not to wither away into a blubbering pile of childish mush. After all, isn't getting the girl all about poker faces and triumph over adversity? Otherwise known as: impress.

Date: 2007-01-08 16:24 Subject: quaint dysfunction Security: Public

I'm a livejournal veteran. I've been writing and posting on 3 seperate accounts (all of which are no longer active and serve as only archival purposes) for at least 5 years. However, I've decided to do something a little different this time. In other venues of my expression, usually I tend to develop an absurdly irrational following of people throughout my history that continually search through my words to retain their interest in my activities. Usually, and ultimately it arouses a huge forum for public debate on my personal affairs.

To remove that availability, I am starting this journal fresh with perhaps just one friend. This person has known me for ions, and I trust that they will make a good judgement call on the future ramblings I will submit this poor device and personal bulletin board to.